In which Men are from Mars…

November 26, 2007 at 7:56 pm (Rants) (, , )

After a break for the holiday (mmm, turkey) let’s jump right back in, as Seth delves into the touchy subject of male/female relations.

A study in Germany shows that when given 5-7 minutes to meet with a member of the opposite sex (this study only affects heterosexuals), and then asked who they would like to meet with again, men choose, almost invariably, the more attractive females as oposed to the personality / socioeconomic traits they’d written down prior to meeting with the women.

To that, I say, “a-doy.”

Interesting twist: While men tended to be very easy to please above a certain “attractiveness threshold” (actual scientific term used in the article), women were MUCH more discriminating, but also followed the exact same tendencies of men in terms of attractiveness. However, when women picked their follow up dates, they almost always picked men that were within their own personal attractiveness range (another scientific term).

This means that women have a very good idea of what attractiveness is to a man, and use it to make sure they get the most attractive male their looks can get.

So basically, female attractiveness is the primary determining factor in all mate searching. Men pick all hot women, and women pick men as hot as they are.

Of course, this was a study done on, like, 50 people, so I’m not exactly buying it as fact but more as a “taxpayer money at work” example. But whenever there is research dispelling the supposed gender gap regarding why males and females look for mates, I chuckle.

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In which Seth is TOTALLY not a child molester…

November 16, 2007 at 10:54 pm (Rants) (, , , , )

A quick tip to get the weekend started off right.

Cookies are a largely unreliable way of getting children into a van.  Judging from my voluminous mental database of SVU episodes, a box of puppies works >80% of the time.

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In which rabbits can’t get a break…

November 14, 2007 at 6:10 pm (Rants) (, , )

Keeping with Monday’s Rodent World theme, here’s a continued look into the mind of Seth: Mayor of Crazy Town, aka Rodent World.

I was thinking I’m a bouncer at an exclusive nightclub.

“Whoa whoa whoa, there buddy. where do you think you’re going?” I stiff arm a bunny rabbit with two scantily dressed sparrows perched on his arms.

“Hey man, just trying to dance, drink, have a good time, chill out bro.”

“Read the sign, stew-meat. Guinea pigs ONLY. You ain’t got the squeak, you ain’t takin’ a peek.”

The rabbit tries to squeak, and fails. His sparrows chitter nervously as I eye them down.

“Get lost lop ear.”

The rabbit, crestfallen, hops away, as the sounds of laughter from inside the club taunt him.

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In which the Rodent Wars begin…

November 12, 2007 at 11:15 am (Rants) (, , , , , )

If the Mossflower/Redwall books were anything like this, I would have been SO scarred as a child.

Of all the rodent classes, I thoroughly believe hamsters are the most diabolical.  They are not as fast or outwardly violent as their cousins the gerbils, but they are smarter, and deeper thinkers.

I swear one time I saw an escaped feral hamster set up an ambush on a squirrel using the severed head of a rattlesnake and an acorn. Why would he do this? Because hamsters revel in suffering.

I’ve been thinking all day of a glorious battle between hamsters and their unyielding ninja gerbil army scorching the earth from West to East while the forces of the mice, astride gentle but stubbornly loyal guinea pigs (whose battle cry many of you have heard repeatedly) rally with their newfound allies the squirrels and flying squirrels against the Tide of Darkness.

Oh yeah, and moles. those things are EVIL

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In which we meet a Phisher… (Part Three)

November 9, 2007 at 1:48 pm (Rants) (, )

The stunning conclusion!

Seth Porter ,

Thanks for the informations brought,sorry you have to send down your phone number because I and my customers would have to call you on the phone and without this payment cant be made to you.
As for marital status this means if you are marraide or now.please advice soon.
Much Regards,
Mr.Chun Clem

Response -

Chun Clem,

I am sorry for this to be breaking the deals but my telephone cannot be used for calls. The Boss would be upset for the firing of me. Despite a goodness of wealth from my Father of Germany I cannot yet starting my business. Please to give other choices.

Once I received funds how do you wish I use?? Wire transfer or bank check?

Seth Porter.

Okay, not so much of a conclusion.  But the fact that he was able to keep up the facade for six e-mails WITH A SPAMMER is a true testament to his zen-like skill.

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In which we meet a Phisher… (Part Two)

November 7, 2007 at 8:04 am (Rants) (, )

The saga continues…

E-Mail #3 – The Reel

Seth Porter,
Thanks very much for the response made,I did apprecaite your concern in wanting to do business with my company,I hope you understand what it take in this business,payment would be made to you from my customers in the Usa and after clearance you would have 10% and then tranfer the rest into the companies account which would be given to you latter on.I hope this is understood?please advice and I want to inform you that in this transaction I need every day commication this is to say you must make reply to my emails every day.
Please fill the form below and get this back to me and the funds would be paid to you from my customers all over the states.I hope this is cleared and understood,hope to hear from you soon and looking forward to bigger transaction between me and you.

NAME.
MAILING ADDRESS:
AGE:.
STATUS:
STATE/COUNTRY:
TEL/FAX NUMBERS.
COMPANY NAME
OCCUPATION
Much Regards,
Mr.Chun Clem

E-Mail #4 – The Sweetening Of The Deal:

(note: these typos are intentional!)
Chun Clem,
I am very excite for business transactions to be placing. My father is Germany and English speaking is not so well but he left me some good money to start a business of my own here in Americas. With your contributions I hope to be making the big moneys soon. I shall be equipping the information but I please ask that it be secretive so as to protect myself from unsafety.

NAME: Seth Porter
AGE: 37
STATUS: I am not sure to what you mean
STATE/COUNTRY: Americas — Michigan
TEL/FAX: Pleased to only contact by the Web. I connect to Library engine for news on Business
OCCUPATION: Floor Universal Car Kleaner

To be Sure I am in Regards for this relationship. Please to send much info soon.

Seth Porter

I’m still not sure what a “Floor Universal Car Kleaner” is, but I want one.

Tune in on Friday for the thrilling conclusion!

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In which we meet a Phisher… (Part One)

November 5, 2007 at 9:02 am (Rants) (, )

The following post is a correspondence between an e-mail phisher and Seth, adopting the guise of a rich, gullible German man who speaks very little English. It is one of Seth’s truly epic rants.

E-Mail #1 – The Phish

Alibaba Chemical Co Ltd.
No 104 to 107, Lane 105
North District Tai Nan
Taiwan 704

We are exporters based in the Taiwan.We export raw materials into Asia and into Europe, America and Australia.Our company, Alibaba Chemical Co. Ltd was established in 1987.We are interested in employing your services, to work with us as our foreign payment receiving officer,who can help us eastablish a medium of recieving payment on our behalf for Goods and raw materials we supply to our clients in Europe, America or Australia.

Note that as our representative,you will receive 10% of what ever amount you clear for the company and the balance will be paid into the account we shall send to you.If you are interested in this business proposal,ensure that you reply us immediately.

Please contact us via email with the information below:

NAME…………………………….
MAILING ADDRESS………………….. AGE:…………………………….
STATUS:…………………………
STATE/COUNTRY…………………….
TEL/FAX NUMBERS…………………..
COMPANY NAME……………………. OCCUPATION…………………..

We look forward to working with you.

Sincerely,
Mr.Chun Clem
General Manager
Alibaba Chemical Co Ltd.

E-mail #2 – The Bite

I am interested to your service. Please provide your abilities in the united states that I may be of help with. Also, please to make the funds available.

–Seth Porter

Come back on Wednesday and Friday as the conversation unfolds!

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A Couple Things…

November 4, 2007 at 9:42 pm (Information) ()

1. Feel free to comment on the posts. Start up your own arguments. Is Killian’s really a bad beer? Could any superhero beat up Batman? Was your grandmother really a lesbian?

2. Do you have rants to share? E-mail us at mycrazyfriend@gmail.com. A couple suggestions for submissions:

  • Don’t send us YOUR rants. We want the rants of that weird friend of yours.
  • Give us a couple sentences telling us about the friend. How long have you been friends? Were they drunk when they wrote the rant?
  • Include a picture if you want, and we’ll include it along with the post.

That’s all. Happy reading!

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In which superheroes fight Batman…

November 2, 2007 at 10:59 pm (Rants) (, , )

Something to think about over the long (an extra hour equals long, people!) weekend.

“I’m pretty sure any superhero can beat up Batman.

Except Cyclops. Any guy with a mirror can beat up Cyclops.”

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In which, uh… I have NO IDEA…

November 2, 2007 at 4:56 pm (Rants)

It’s short, but the per-capita craziness would make the Unabomber jealous.

“In these on again, off again times of yore, we must never forget the sacrifices made by us for the generations of old. For example, our grandparents never drank beer; they drank Killian’s. And Killian’s is a bad beer. So when you look on Great Grandmother Matilda, who’s been married to her 19th century lesbian lover for thirteen years after the fallout from that grease party back on Tuber street, think of all the time you kicked grass at a young child.”

Whaaaaaat?

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